At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
