they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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