I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He? As in you personified your dick?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
