Apparently you make a good broom.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
