There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
