If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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