First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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