Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
