I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
