3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
