Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
