just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
