God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
