woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
