I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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