I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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