I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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