I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
