He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
