So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
