You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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