She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
