I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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