Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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