Need sex. Gaining weight.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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