I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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