i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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