I think my fart just growled at me.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
