Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
