terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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