I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
