Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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