you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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