JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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