Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
