this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
