Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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