Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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