I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
