if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Houston, we have a squirter
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
