before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Randomize
