It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
