You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
