Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
