Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
