dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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