If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
