my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
