i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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