The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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