she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
